dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
I gave myself a pep talk in the library bathroom mirror. and then threw up in the sink.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
It got heated then she just left and I was all alone in the women's restroom.
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
They just dared her to tape flip flops to her tits. Entertainment value cannot be found like this in any other part of America.
My soul is telling me that I need to take this exam naked.
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
Randomize
