dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
We joked about how funny it would be if he got pulled over with 300 breakfast burritos in hus car. We walk outside of the school just as the police lights turn on and pull him over
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
Randomize
