Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
let's just say if he has a penis and he hypothetically needs to put it somewhere... i would take care of that for him.
I'm glad we are bonding over both contracting clamidya. Winners.
100%
I think i just threw up blood. i can't chill right now;
She fell down no less than 4 times while we were at the club. One of which was while she was in the bathroom stall next to me.
I generally just try to vote by which candidate I think has the bigger dick. Sorry Romney.
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
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