I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
all ten of us were sitting in his room with the lights off and staring at his colorful moving screensaver for two hours. That high.
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
My financial aid advisors would be so pissed if they knew I was spending my loan money on strippers
Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
U dont jog and buy condoms n bulk
Randomize
