Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
Like the fear of satan was put into my heart when I saw him put that sandwich on the WOODEN BENCH
As a home can we vote to stab Peter?
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
Randomize
