im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
I had fun this weekend too. According to Web MD, my symptoms say I had a miscarriage.
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
I know he's not here, but I can still see him. I found some of my old stash and its good shit so its expected to see sunlight at night and scary llama men. Midgets or otherwise.
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
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