Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
As it turns out, drunk trust falling that guy at the top of the waterslide didn't really work out for anyone..
thats what you get for writing a paper after liquor pitchers
its only a rough draft.
P.S, i don't recommend doing keg stands on top of vehicles.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
I just found a video of you asking to be a whale with me.
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
He also complimented my butt. High praise coming from a boob guy.
I'm glad there seems to be a general consensus regarding your ass
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
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