i am NOT doing that with my feet, or any part of my body
Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
I think I'm still fucked. I can see the electricty going through the street car lines
5am update: in a toga seeing triple made out with both sexes
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
Are we planning this because I am online looking for places with a Mechanical bull
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
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