I'm going to jail i love you
Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
trying to figure out who visited the hillshire farms website enough for it to be in my top sites.
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
All hell broke loose. When the police showed up, this kid somehow haggled with a cop to let him pee in public. I'm convinced he could talk the panties off of a nun
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
Our motto for the night: BLACK OUT OR BACK OUT.
That's our motto every night.
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
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