Wow, your whole life is a joke regardless of the fact that its april fools day
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
we are cloud gazing and there is one that looks like a giant baby riding a dolphin and smoking a joint
i wish there was a reasonable explanation for why this reminds me of you
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
Do not deep throat a rocket pop, it WILL go into your lungs, and you may die.
Am I really that girl who walks around half naked wearing a cowboy hat begging for liquor at some random guys house
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
So many weird people in this class. I can practically taste their unwanted virginities. They taste bad.
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
