my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
Either your mom needs to stop making spagetti or we need to lay off the anal. I cant tell you how much im in pain.
Spagetti cuz im not giving up the other one.
I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
Its not small because its small, Its small because it was cold outside
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
I told him his only options were from behind or me on top. I was not about to mess up my $80 blow out before graduation.
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
Randomize
