My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
His internet history had "Disney Porn" on it.
After the VIP Latina experience at the strip club last night, I am rooting for Mexico in this years World Cup.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
oh yea it is. i was not expecting to look at a snowbank and just see flying mushrooms
whoever set the energy saving light timer in the lobby bathroom cleraly has no concept how long a work dump takes
I just want him to slap me with his dick and call it love
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
I need vitamin water and Jesus :/
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
Randomize
