I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
I need some transition time from spring break.. can we day drink between classes this week?
stayed up to watch the sunrise..saw an albino taking shots on the quad..it's like there's a whole new world of people out there just waiting to meet us
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
Randomize
