she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
The problem with having your drunkeness documented at a wedding is not only does it show up all over facebook, but all over professional photography websites.
I walked into my room to see them crying, watching hey arnold, and passing a franzia box back and forth...
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
She turned down sex for beer pong. I'm not sure if I should be disappointed or not.
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
Randomize
