I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
I just gift wrapped bread.
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
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