Fucking love it maybe bedazzle some baby seals? Make them cuter? Who would club a bedazzled baby seal? Only a fucking monster.
Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
Judging by the hole in the wall by the door, the mis-matched shoes by the door, and the door hanging off one hinge... i'd say he's on the loose.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
My bed is full of blood and feathers
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
I just masterbated to the Lets Get Ready To Rumble theme
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
Randomize
