I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
the point of no return was when you "drugged" his drink with glitter. face-planting on his dick was beyond.
the only thing you and i have in common is the we like weed and looking at my naked body.
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
Im wearing black today mourning the orgasm i couldn't get this morning :(
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize
