My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
You stood in front of a yellow Camaro and kept yelling at it to "Transform already!!!!".. yeah, I'd say you were pretty wasted.
Wow. 8.8 earthquake hit Chile this morning
didn't feel it. :)
It's like 5 thousand miles away of course you didn't.
wait what? so it's not in america?
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
I feel like weed makes my smarter. I'm watching the stocks and the way I understand if, do not invest in Yahoo right now because they are not fit for that.
Definitely! I will do that this week. Right now, watching drag queens play with my dad's beard.
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
I am available for nakedness
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
might I remind you I fucked a 21 year old and almost did coke with strangers? you definitely came out on top
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