we just fucked in the mcds parking lot
wasnt he a virgin
yes we got celebratory milkshakes after
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
Having drunken flash backs of me giving you a piggy back ride. I was like Jesus, and you were my cross. I fell so many times for you. This is true friendship.
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
I don't know but someone, somewhere gave someone a hand job and someone else was pissed about it...
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
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