Where did you get a picture of my penis
you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
Did i mention i'm like the equivilent of a prepubescent boy suffering from preejaculacy? I just about creamed my pants when he grabbed my hand..
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
Randomize
