I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
i wonder what megan fox's vagina feels like.
Heaven soaked bacon.
do you think he would believe thats it not really my period, and that i ate a lot of licorice?
no you cant smoke seaweed
I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
This reunion sucks. All the confident hot girls from high school are still confident and hot, and none of the fat girls with low self esteem transformed into hot girls with low self esteem.
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
Like really my mothers day gift is a pic of his dick
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
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