So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
On an unrelated note: I'm also a big advocate of the "never waste a boner" theory.
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
You ever sit back and realize our friendship is based off us ranting at each other with random animal photos thrown in
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
Randomize
