woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
I felt like Norm from Cheers walking into the free clinic.
$1 pitcher night should be outlawed.
No joke. Last we saw of him he was naked and dragging that stupid goat into the bushes.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
i'm currently connecting with my tribal roots aka i just found my recorder from 3rd grade music class... be ready for the recording
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
he ate me out like 4 times and told me that my vagina "was too much fun".
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
Randomize
