I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
I have a pussy blister if you wanna poke at it with a needle tomorrow...by this text i realize just how strange our relationship is, especially because you're probably excited
I think you mean your blister is filled with pus...atleast i hope
I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
He just kept yelling cup my balls to everyone they kicked us out after 20 min
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
Did you just email Kelly and I gay dinosaur erotica?
At least life still wants to fuck me.
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
Only you would make Mario Party a contact sport.
And you owe me a new pair of switch controllers.
Randomize
