I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
Going to the beach. Greeting Sandy with a blunt. Wish us luck!
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
His dick is a spiritual experience and meditation is very important to me.
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
Randomize
