We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
all i know is that they all tuched my pee cup last night.
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
Your scrotum should have touched every square inch of that place by now. Start with the water fountain.
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
You ruined the universe
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
Randomize
