He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
Looking through my moms phone and find a pic if a dick. Scarred for life.
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
$1 drinks and Playboy theme. I am never leaving this place
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
Randomize
