I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
he had me stop mid-blow job to make me use my phone to id a song on the radio..
i wasnt really sure how to responde to that.
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
I'm stealing this baby.
Well I always support illegal activity but where would you put it?
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
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