i may not always bang 16 year olds but when i do, i prefer hot ones
dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
oh man. maybe i should puke on his dick? just to test how much he loves me?
it's a "shave your legs in the cvs bathroom" kind of night
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
So note to self oboe reeds soaked in Apple Rubinoff sound GREAT.
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
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