we are driving next to a guy driving and masturbating while looking at a naked magazine. I love LA
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
I'm beginning to feel kind of at home at Police stations
Just pooped at the strip club. NOT NORMAL . I may be a little too comfortable here.
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
I don't know where he learned to eat pussy but I thought I was going blind
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
Randomize
