Totally saw a hot amputee. I think this is called character growth.
By the way the awkward moment from yesterday is now a bad situation I have to figure out.
Thank you Grey Goose.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
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