dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
this guy at work is bossing me around at work. He is 24 and still has highlights and spikes his hair.
You're getting bossed around by a 1999 Highschool Yearbook picture?
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
On ecstasy, in Ikea. this is incredible.
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
He's like all my past boyfriends wrapped up into one fuck up. It's enjoyable to watch.
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
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