I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
I am still STD free so as far as I am concerned I never went to panama.
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
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