My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
So tired and we had a cokehead in the salon today making us bleach her whole head because she thought it would let her pass her drug test for custody of her kid
Oh.My.God.
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
Me and Phil are just drawing pictures of thumbs in different costumes during lecture. I love being a senior.
I think my hopes are too high for this one. The only other bachelorette party I've been to I was felt up by a Chippendale's dancer and smoked a joint with the party bus driver.
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
You cried for a while then lifted lots of weights then cady's ex put glitter on your tits and then you took a nap. I got you pizza and brought you home. Nothing too exciting.
We were ushered out of Medieval Times by a squire for making out in the torture chamber. Children were present.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
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