Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
I thought all girls wanted is to get a boner
you want to re-phrase that?
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
Omg. I wanna lecture the drug dealer about how highschool should not be his glory days.
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
I'm so drunk. Liken realign drink
Like really drunk?
Or did you enjoy repositioning your drink?
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
I can't base my relationships off of good dick and dogs.
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
Randomize
