He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
Well yea but it's the principle of the thing.. The fact that he could actually BE your daddy
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
i can't believe he threw up on you. Well thats what you get for being DD. I used the sombreros as a shield!
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
Obviously last night's theme was "Let's Make Bad Life Choices"
I'm jealous, curious, and aroused. All at the same time.
My job here is done.
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
Randomize
