he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
I don't know. I was hiding and the bed was banging. I am going to sleep now in someone's car.
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
it was weird going down on him. His picture of Jesus was staring at me the entire time...
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