sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
Every once in a while you'd chuckle to yourself, and when I asked you what's so funny u replied "sometimes my toes tickle eachother"
Semen is not good for contacts.
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
Randomize
