i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
I know I'm not learning anything when I can't even spell the name of the class I'm taking
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
I feel I need to conquer him. He's six ft eight and 265lbs. Its like the mount Everest of sex.
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
other than the jail part I had a really good time with you
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
I dont' remember leaving St. Cloud, getting home, or apparently directing traffic in the middle of the fucking street while black out drunk.
I hooked up with a guy that had a beard last night felt like I was building a fucken log cabin
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
