make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
We were tripping too hard to figure out to tell him where we were so we sent a picture of me laying outside the tent saying "find us"
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
hes duct taped to the wall and we're throwing eggs at him. i love thirsty thursday.
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
I would date him. For 1 month. Just so I could say I was a trap queen for 1 month.
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
Randomize
