There are 3 speedbumps now up. Think you can manage the urge to piss on them?
Aw shit! That's like putting me a in a room full of Captiain Crunch Donuts and Jasper Hale and not letting me put my mouth on either.
he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
Opportunity cost of getting to econ after a night on the town > marginal benefit of attending class
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
I'm a terrible friend...i should have come right over instead of having sex for an hour and a half. :/ want anything from burger king?
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
Randomize
