tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
Just so you know, I have a bf.
I guess as long as you bring single girls over and cook cannolis you will still be useful.
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
There's a difference between southern and inbred. She just doesn't know that yet.
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
Also, the zoloft kicked in and I can't get an erection anymore. So I'm depressed.
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
Randomize
