Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
I'm pretty sure I have enough material at this point to start a blog called Guys I've Banged in Pictures together. Why does this keep happening to me!
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
he asked me for a magic BJ...is that supposed to be different from a normal BJ?
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