My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
so are you any less fat since you started doing blow?
He just walked in our room casually and said "big girls are hungry"
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
Would love to dress up in respectable attire and take you out somewhere nice and then do disgusting crude things in public
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
Randomize
