If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
I cannot convey how much I really do love Chris Hansen. FYI: he is the JC Chasez of my adult years.
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
Yeah, we agreed, but I feel like I need at least one more ride on the bonecoaster
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
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