i think i was tempted to text while we were making out. like i remember holding my phone up behind his head and just staring at it.
your drunk mistake has arrived...he is the one wearing a poncho
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
She said " I'm going to get her back one day soon for putting extacy in my pop while I drove her to whislter" just a heads up.
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
Say whatever you bloody well like; you don't know the true meaning of life until you have smoked to a Sade cd.
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
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