She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
I would ask why there is a chair tied to the door of the fridge.. but I am not sure anyone knows the answer.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
I now have a GPA requirement for guys I hookup with more than once.
WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER
THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL
I saw your dick pic and thought there goes the last thread of my heterosexuality.
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
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