I wanna come home
And do what?
Kiss. Rip clothes off. Repeat.
I've decided through careful research we can out drink any country folk.
I promise you 4 toothbrushes taped together and lube does not do the trick
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
We are not turning the camelbak into a beer bong
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
I forgot I did whipits. Probably because my brain cells were killed from the whipits
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
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