my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
im officially scared..,i finally realized who my boyfriend reminds me of! spencer pratt
Is it awkward that I've slept with every guy in this room?
Only if they know about it too.
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
im youtubing treadmill accidents. this is what i do at 2:10am
All I'm saying is that whoever owned the wheelchair clearly didn't need it or they wouldn't have been able to leave it there
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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