At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
And to be fair, I think we all suspect that forbidden sex with an outlaw biker might be worth it.
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
My vagina knows your penis is sad about Andrew Luck. You should come over and let her comfort him in his time of need
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Randomize
